Your Labels Don't Define Me
It's almost time for me to go home for my annual Essence Festival appearance. It's one of the highlights of my year. I just love being around so many black people who are moving in a positive direction. I anticipate this year will bring many more folks since the release of "Girls Trip." We've got a full weekend packed with sites and sounds and lots of people watching. Inevitably I'll run into folks that I haven't seen in a while, whether they be family or old school mates. While I enjoy these sightings and love catching up and celebrating success, I always have to go through my "fix your face" exercises. I have what we call a "Leaky Face." Leaky Face is a condition in which your inside thoughts show on your outside face. I've gotten better at controlling it, but a few things always bring it out. You see I am a 37 year old, plus sized, single woman with no kids. And that always leads to comments.
***Trigger Warning***
You gained some weight...
Why is it that people comment on your weight like you didn't dress yourself this morning? Why do people feel like they need to say anything at all? Like...I bathe myself every day, I'm aware of every roll and stretch mark. What do people expect to gain by pointing out your weight?? Besides trying to make themselves feel better.
I remember coming home from college one time and we visited my brother's grandmother. I was washing dishes in her kitchen, trying to be helpful. And she started making a beeping noise. I look at her super confused and she says, "that's the sound that trucks make when they back up. If you're not careful, you'll be that size soon."
Imma just let that marinate with you for a moment.
Close your mouth.
Yep, that's what she said.
I couldn't believe it either.
Another time, just a few years ago, I went home for the summer and my mother made it a point to grab my thigh and point out that I was at my heaviest weight ever. Like she too hadn't gained weight. See what these folks who make it a point to comment on your weight gain or loss don't know, is what may be going on behind the scenes. So let me give you some insight into my journey.
I was never a super skinny girl. I was always thick, big boned, is what they called it. I always had thighs and a butt. And I loved my shape. Through high school and college I was very active. I marched in parades and I danced. College is filled with lots of walking across campus and I'm sure I amassed at least 15,000 steps a day easily. Upon graduation from college, life changed drastically. I moved to Tampa and worked as a drug store manager. I worked overnight every weekend. This made it so hard to figure out when to eat. My body was so confused. Do I eat dinner or breakfast or just drink water? In that time I gained about 20 pounds. After 3 years I started teaching. The first years of teaching are filled with late nights and lots of stress. There were times I didn't even remember to go to the bathroom, much less eat. My body was so out of wack.
I met a guy during that first year of teaching. He was so handsome and I felt so lucky to be thought beautiful by him. He just seemed to me, to be so far out of my league. I'll never forget what he said to me on our very first date. He said,
"You are so beautiful. And don't worry, I like big girls."
Big girls?
BIG GIRLS??
Is he talking to ME???
I mean...I had gained 20 pounds. At the time I was about 175 pounds. I didn't consider myself big. I knew I was biggER than I was in college, but BIG though? Whatever. I waved it off. Dude must have needed his eyes checked. We continued the date and eventually began a relationship. About 2 years into the relationship he started saying things to me like.
"We" should work out
Let's start eating healthy.
These comments then progressed to things like
Have you ever thought about losing weight?
I would have kids with you, but you'd have to lose weight first.
I'm scared that if we have kids you'll just be big and sloppy.
Yep.
Again, pick up your mouth.
I'm happy to say that, I was a totally different person then, than I am now. I was broken from so much that I'll have to write about later. But I stayed through all of that emotional abuse because I thought I was lucky to be with him. I even lost 20 pounds to show him that I was worth his love. Needless to say, that didn't work. I found myself dealing with depression for a couple years which didn't help with the weight situation. But my weight wasn't the problem. It was only a symptom of something much deeper. A couple years of therapy allowed me to grow past that season of life. I discovered who I was and how I had given my power away for others to give me my worth. Today, I love myself more than I ever have. I'm a whole model out here!! NO one could get away with those types of abuses now. Sadly, when folks make those comments they don't realize all someone may be struggling with or had to overcome that has them in their present place and present weight.
You're getting up there. When are you going to have kids??
In my first blog post I shared how I was placed on birth control at a very young age and I've only just recently started having a regular menstrual cycle without the help of any outside prescriptions. I shared about how scary it was to think that I wouldn't be able to conceive when I was ready and wanted to.
I saw this quote the other day and all I could do was blink and stare.
"You will never know what true love is until you have your own child."
Who determined that love is only obtained through having a child??? Why do we assume that this is every woman's mark of success? Why do we assume that every woman is even able to conceive?
There are many reasons why a woman may not have kids. (Read about some of them here.) Who are we to become so intrusive to get to the root of her choice or lack there of? I wonder if people ever think of how they might trigger negative thoughts or feelings by their intrusive questions? Why is it anyone else's business about how or why a woman conceives or not?
Imagine the pain of a woman who has tried to conceive for years but hasn't been able to. What about the woman who has conceived but has had multiple miscarriages? What about the woman who had to have a hysterectomy? Or the woman who lost her ability to reproduce because of a previous trauma. Or the woman who would lose her own life if she tried to bring another into this world. What about the woman who would love to have kids, but she can't afford it? Think about the woman who doesn't want to have kids because she doesn't want to. Consider the woman who is waiting for marriage before she decides to bring a child into the world.
I fall into the last category. I have no desire to sign up to be a single parent. I want to bring a child into a healthy marriage so that she is able to have a healthy model for her future. That will happen in God's time, not mine, and definitely not yours. And I have full and complete peace in that.
When are you getting married?
I've been engaged twice. Once to my high school boyfriend and again in my adult life. Both times I called off the engagement. My cousin's friend calls me the "runaway bride." Of course at the time that I accepted the engagements I had every intention on spending my life with each man. But then something deep down inside stopped me.
I grew up with very dysfunctional pictures of what marriage looks like. I've talked before about my relationship with my Dad and the fact there weren't very many men around in my family, besides my uncles. This was drastically different from what I had seen on TV or what it looked like in my dreams. After calling off my 2nd engagement, I spent some years studying marriage and what it's really supposed to look like. I grew to understand that marriage is supposed to mirror Jesus Christ's relationship with the Church. So let's talk a little bit about Jesus' character.
Here Jesus is up in Heaven with his dad, God, watching all the foolishness that the people on Earth are doing. It kicks off with Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden and just goes downhill from there. Of course, that's not what God intended when He created man so it's understandable that God is beyond disappointed and enraged at how things were starting to unfold. Jesus, our brother, then volunteers to save us from ourselves. He tells God that He'll be the Redeemer and save us all from death by offering Himself up as a sacrifice.
It's finally time for Jesus to do his job and He comes to Earth as a human. He spends 30 years preparing for his big job of saving the world's people from sin and death. For 3 years He springs into action performing miracles, preaching and teaching, allowing everyone who encounters Him to see that He is the Christ, the Messiah, their Savior. They SEE who He is even when they can't SEE. They hear about all He has done and come from miles around to experience it for themselves. The time comes for Jesus Christ to follow through with His job of redeeming all of us. Those who were once His biggest fans deny Him. The same ones who celebrated Him, yell to crucify Him. Yet Jesus fully commits to following through with His assignment. The burden becomes so heavy that He finds Himself separated from His father, God. Yet He doesn't change His mind. Jesus willingly signs up to be beaten, tortured, and killed for a group of ungrateful people who had switched out on Him. He paid the ultimate sacrifice and barely mumbles a word.
Now we all know this as the modern day church. But so many times we look at Jesus like a sugar daddy. We talk to him when it's convenient or when we need something. When things are going well He might not hear too much from us. But when things are a hot mess, we're all like, Dear Jesus please get me out of this one. And there He is still loving us and reminding us that there's nothing we can do that will make Him not love us because He is fully committed to us.
Yep, that's what marriage should look like. Unconditional love even when we don't feel like it. A husband that has prepared to lead a family. A true and life long commitment even when everything might not be going your way. Grace and Mercy. Forgiveness and Compassion. That's the goal. And until that time comes I have learned to be content.
I’m not saying this because I need anything, for I have learned how to be content in any circumstance. I know the experience of being in need and of having more than enough; I have learned the secret to being content in any and every circumstance, whether full or hungry or whether having plenty or being poor. I can endure all these things through the power of the one who gives me strength.
-Philippians 4:11-13 (CEB)
So, what is the true mark of success?
There was a time I used to obsess over all of this. But I think it's more because of people's expectations and not really my own. I felt like I had to live up to other people's timelines.
Now I say that the true mark of success is the place where you experience perfect peace. I have adopted this motto for my life.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)
And when dealing with others, let's go back to this simple rule.
If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
