Lessons Life Taught Me
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 (NIV)
Happy August!!!
It's time to go back to school and spend another year pouring into the future generation. Each year, my goal is to impact my students in a way that they have never experienced before. I pray that when they leave me they will never forget the lessons that they learned by knowing me. I hope that my voice is resounding in their heads when they need encouragement and forget how special they are. My goal is for them to know that I love them to life and will always be their supporter. I hope that I've saved them from some of life's lessons by giving them a window into the lessons I've learned. Today, I want to talk about some of those lessons. I've grown to understand that nothing we go through is for ourselves. Everything that we go through is to help someone else.
This is why I started this blog. It gives me a chance to share my life experiences in the hope that I will empower someone else to own their truth and walk in it with their head held high. Everyone has a past. Everyone has been through something. None of us are in a position to judge someone else or make them feel small because of their life experience. I'm here to normalize transparency. Some of my lessons were big and some were small, but they were all pivotal in getting me to my current place of freedom. I thank God for them all, both the good and the bad. They have all shaped me and are all a part of my unique purpose.
I've never publicly shared the details of all that I'm about to share because I used to be embarrassed. I'm happy to say I no longer am. So consider yourself in on some exclusive details into my life. So here we go...
***Trigger Warning***
Words kill, words give life;
they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)
I have a mouth on me. Though I was always a straight A student, I developed my code switching abilities at a very early age in order to survive. In my last blog post, I wrote about how I would utilize my code switching techniques so that I could get home on time. I developed a really lethal mouth. I could slay your whole life in a well put together string of curse words and insults that would leave you grabbing a dictionary and wiping tears all at the same time. I had learned that if you want to show people that you're tough and they can't mess over you that you had to cut them where it hurts. Unfortunately, this lesson began in my home. My house was characterized with lots of yelling, harsh words and name calling. I was trained from a very early age to not let a man run you. Those lessons sounded like:
- Don't ever put yourself in a position to be dependent on any man
- If he asks you if you need money, always say yes. Then save your money and spend his.
- When all else fails, insult and curse to get your way.
So here I am with my first real boyfriend in high school. Let's call him Rob. I had taken all the notes that I was given about how to have a relationship and how to treat a man. I'm ready to show homeboy that he's not about to run over me. I instead was met with a boyfriend who had just as smart a mouth as I had. I would say something slick and he would say something slick right back.
Wait, this isn't how this is supposed to go. He's supposed to shut up now and then I'm supposed to get my way.
So then I'd up the ante. I'd really show my behind. Cursing and screaming at the top of my lungs. Eventually he'd say, "Alright well, I'm gonna let you go and I'll talk to you later when you calm down. I love you." And then he'd get off the phone. And call back later! He was so patient with me. He never cursed me back out. He never said things to make me feel small. He never insulted me or called me names. And he always made sure I knew that he loved me.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NIV)
Rob and I were together through college. Having a long distance relationship was tough. There were times where we would break up for a while and I would date other guys. But we always remained friends. He was my very best friend. He had been there with me when my mom would unleash her wrath. He would wake up with me at 1AM when I was ordered to go to get gas because I hadn't filled the car back up. He listened to me when I talked about how I would leave New Orleans as soon as I had the chance because I hated my life.
After graduating from college I wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I hung around in Nashville for a moment to figure things out before moving to Tampa. But, before I left, I hooked up with this guy I had dated one last time. About a week after that I started to itch. It was the worse itching I had ever felt. I looked in my panties and saw little spots of blood. I had used protection. What the heck was going on with me? I just knew I had contracted some disease. I was so embarrassed. How could I be so stupid!!! I had a whole Biology degree and I had caught something! I didn't know what to do. The internet wasn't really a thing for real back then. So I resorted to calling Rob. I explained my symptoms to him. I just kept saying. I'm so embarrassed. I'm going to have to go to the clinic. I hope it's not life threatening. The whole time I'm freaking out, Rob is chuckling. So now I'm pissed.
Me: What the EFF are you laughing at???
Rob: Kim, calm down. He gave you crabs.
Me: But I used protection!!
Rob: I'm sure you did. But you can get crabs with protection. It's ok. Go to Walgreens and get some lice treatment. You'll be ok. Call me when you get back.
Rob walked me through the entire process. He stayed calm and kept asking me if I was ok. He never brought it up again. He was my friend.
Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.
Proverbs 18:24 (MSG)
So y'all remember, Mr. "I like big girls"? (You can read about him here.) He and I dated for some years after that first date. It started out with lots of fun and laughs. He was so handsome and I was just so smitten by his charisma. It didn't take long though for me to see what the rest of our relationship would be like. He was a womanizer. A male whore. A cheater. There were so many women that I lost count. He had one in particular that he kept running back to year after year. (She actually stalks me every single day on Instagram now. Every. Single. Day. Which is actually quite comical because I have no idea what she wants. So while she's looking, I hope she's getting some of this encouragement and boldness that I'm dishing out. Hey girl hey!!)
But back to my story. I felt so fortunate to be with him that I believed him every time he would tell me that he wouldn't do it anymore. And I truly believed that God had told me that he was supposed to be my husband. My relationship models at the time all talked about how they had stuck it out with their man through the hard times and now they were stronger than ever. I just figured that this was my test to see if I really trusted God. My self-esteem had been eroded so much that I put up with things that I never ever would have dealt with had I been in my right mind.
I'm sure you can imagine that after dealing with a cheating man for years that it takes a toll on you. I would get so angry and disillusioned with myself about why I didn't just move on. I would fight with God about whether He had said what I thought he had said. This disillusionment caused me to go into a deep depression. I didn't realize it at first. I just thought I was tired from working so much. Couple this with the constant comments about my weight and the stringing along of promise rings and the "I would marry you but" statements. There were days that I would look into the mirror and wonder who was looking back at me. I didn't recognize myself at all. I didn't want to wake up or brush my teeth. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to sleep, but when I slept I would dream about what my life had become. So I just existed in this lifeless, zombie-like state of numbness. It all just became too much to bear at one point.
I operated on auto-pilot from one day to the next. I remember driving across a bridge one day and a small voice said, "Why don't you just drive over the edge and see what will happen?" I ignored it at first thinking I must have been tripping. But Tampa has a lot of bridges. So the next bridge I drove over I heard it again. This time, a little louder. "Just drive over the side and see if you'll break through the concrete barrier. Just try it. Nothing will happen." I would shake it off and find myself at home after a while, wondering how I even got there. One time, I remember, yelling out in my car, "I'll die! That's what will happen." I think that's the first time I actually acknowledged that I was hearing the voice.
That was a really dark time for me. I operated with "high-functioning depression" for 2 years. Some days I wonder how I made it to the other side. One thing I know that kept me going was purpose. I knew that I held the future of 100 young people in my hands and I could not disappoint them. I would go to work and they would hang on my every word. I meant something to them. They valued me. On my roughest days they would know something wasn't quite right and they would dig deep down to show me they had been listening. They truly had a way of keeping me going. Had it not been for my assignment as a teacher, I can't say I'd be alive today. I probably would have given up. God knew that I would never willingly disappoint those kids, my kids. They were my angels.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
I remember one day we had a presentation at school that talked about bullying and suicide. They never mentioned Christ but the Holy Spirit was so thick in the place that I couldn't teach when we got back to my classroom. So many of my kids were crying because they had considered suicide or knew someone who had. One of my students asked if he could address the class. I gave him the floor and He shared how he had struggled through depression and suicidal thoughts. He had no idea that his own teacher was struggling with the same situation. Or maybe he did. He talked about how he felt hopeless and helpless. And then he shared his testimony of how someone invited him to church and he cast all his burdens at the foot of the cross. It was at that exact moment that I realized my purpose is what was keeping me around. I decided on that day that I would make it my mission to influence people and lead them to Christ through my testimony.
I'm going to ask you to do a spirit check right here. I know most of you reading this have never been cheated on so you can't possibly relate to what I'm talking about. Or if you have, you left after the very first time. Yay You!! Most of you have never dealt with depression and have never battled suicidal thoughts. But some of you have. You are who I am talking to right now. For those of you who have been fortunate enough to never experience these things, I want you to think about that sister, friend, homegirl that you know who may have a story kind of like mine and assess where you fit in as they were walking through their situation.
Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.
Matthew 7:1-5 (MSG)
I often have to talk my friends down off the ledge when I share the most intimate parts of my life. They automatically go into "I'm ready to cut somebody mode." Or, "I never liked him anyway." And I get it. It's because they love me and don't want me to be hurt. But it also makes me roll my eyes so hard. Because who among us is truly without sin. If you can say that you've never said something that you wish you could take back or treated someone horribly because you were operating from a hurt place then, you, my friend are much better than I. I have learned the power of forgiveness. And I've also learned what it means to be a true friend.
Friendship equates to support, even when you don't agree. Even if I could have handled things in a different manner, you still love me in spite of. Someone who is caught up in a toxic relationship knows that it's toxic. And trust me, they want to get out just as bad as you want them out of it. But they aren't ready or able to do it on your time. It's not about you at that point. There's a process that occurs that has to be respected. The absolute worst thing you can do as a friend is to offer your judgement.
I felt like the absolute dumbest person on the face of the planet when I was in that relationship. Here I was with my brilliant mind, beautiful personality, wit and charm and I had allowed myself to be torn down by some dude. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone else can ever be. So what happens when you judge, is you put a wall up between you and your friend. You cause them to stop sharing things with you because they know that you look down on them. They begin to make things up or just don't share at all. They stop answering the phone and returning your text messages. It's all quite counterproductive. You actually push them closer to the toxicity. And if that friend is in a depressive state, you cause them to feel alone. Once that sets in, the enemy has room to come in and plant thoughts of suicide. So, let's all make a vow to give grace and space for people to walk out the peace of life that they are on right now. Love more. Judge less.
Ok, class that was a lot. So lets review some of the lessons that have been learned today.
Everything that we have gone through was with a specific purpose, meant to help those we will encounter.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Choose your words wisely at all times.
Perfect love casts out all fear and conquers all situations.
True friends will stick with you, even when the going gets tough. They see you for who you are and support you through it all.
God has given each of us a specific purpose. He is the author and finisher of our book of life and nothing we go through is to harm us. It is only to bring us closer to our purpose.
Judge not, lest ye be judged. No one needs your judgement.
Give those you love grace and space to go through their process.
Learn the power of forgiveness.
