Black & Free
Today has been such a great day!! And I wanted to capture that with a nice reel to put onto Instagram. Because I felt like someone should be encouraged. Well IG decided it wanted to have some tech difficulties. Imma still do my reel when it comes back up, but while I was waiting on that I had the Terrell Show playing in the background. And this song came on. Now before you click the link I want to give you a trigger warning. Not the one like usual, but a trigger warning in letting you know that my prayer for every single one of you that clicks the link that God downloads a reel of your life into your spirit. And while you listen to the song, that you give yourself the space to watch your life reel and take in all that you’ve made it through. Each of you has a unique story filled with mountains and valleys. But you made it. You’re here to read these words that I’ve typed straight from my heart. So...before you click the link to listen to the song I need you to make me a promise. Please come back and read the rest of my testimony. If you decide to read first and listen later, promise me that you will come back to the link to listen to the song to watch the reel of your life. And when you finish both of those tasks please leave a comment to let me know what God laid on your heart. Please promise me that you’ll do that. LISTEN HERE
Now on to my words…
I literally wrote all of this through tears and shouts. Half the time my eyes were closed and the words were just flowing through my fingers. So some of these thoughts might be a bit incomplete. There are also mentions of things that I have yet to tell the complete story on. Those will come, I promise. For now, just receive it and know the details will come later that will help you to understand why the events were a part of my life reel.
I love Jesus and I curse A LOT. Especially when I’m feeling something deep down in my spirit. If you’re offended by that and can’t understand how both of those things can be true at the same time you’re going to feel uncomfortable as you’re reading. I’m going to ask you to allow yourself to feel uncomfortable, knowing that your discomfort is a YOU issue and not a ME issue. God loves me and speaks through me every single day, so the fact that I curse does not negate nor revoke my salvation. So if you feel your spirit being bothered because I say FUCK...I’m going to ask you to allow that to exist. And then I’m going to say, imagine how I felt when I was sitting in Catholic school and one of the nuns came to speak to us and told us that FUCK is actually an exclamation of excitement. (I don’t know if any of my Prep sisters remember that. If you do, can you drop a comment so the people know I’m not lying. Preciate you)
Lastly, there are some triggers listed here. Y’all should know by now that I keep it real about my life and my experiences. Know that the mention of these things is simply to truly honor what I have lived through and made it out of.
Dassit…
12.9.21 1:22pm
The way I just snotty nose cried and shouted all over this apartment. I’ve been here in Mexico for exactly 2 months today. My time in Playa was a soft place for me to land. It was a smooth introduction into a world that I’ve never experienced before in real life. I took a lot of time to allow my mind and body to rest. I spent a lot of time alone sitting on my balcony just taking in the fact that I was indeed in mexico. I think that time was an opportunity for me to allow all the trauma that was locked into my cells to slowly seep out. I felt at peace. Real peace.
Something in my spirit kept telling me there was so much more to Mexico, though. That there was a different energy that I needed to experience. So I decided I would try out Mexico City. Now I want you to think about this. Not only had I picked up my entire life to move to a completely different country that I had never been to alone. My Black Ass decides to get up and move to a completely different region of the new country that I’m already in by myself to another city that I’ve never been to. Into a place where hardly anyone speaks English and I have to really tap into my Español. To top it off, I decide to take a BUS for 20 hours overnight to get to this new place, putting my literal life into the hands of the kind people at the ADO station to make sure I got on the same bus, got back on the bus at every stop and made it to my final destination of Mexico City. The audacity of myself...who does that???? I’m sitting here laughing out loud hysterically!! Like I really did that and was looking at my friends sideways when they kept saying “be careful”. Each time the smart alec in me is like, “Duhhhh of course I’m going to be careful ((insert eye roll)). I literally just said this outloud to myself and I finally hear how crazy that shit sounds to people. What in the entire fuck!!! ROTFLMBO!!! I’d like to take this moment to apologize to anyone who felt like I felt some type of way when you felt some type of way about what I was doing and just wanted me to be safe. Please accept my sincere apology.
Sorry, I had a moment!! I’m literally writing as I’m thinking right now and I’m in a state of no filter (inside joke), so it’s all coming out. But look, this is the other thing that I realized today...
BRUH I FUCKING LIVE IN MEXICO!!!!! LIKE...I LIVE IN FUCKING MEXICO!!!!
Like OMG!!! ME!!!!!!! I LIVE IN MUTHAFUCKING MEXICO!!!!
The me that grew up just wishing I could be good enough. The me that never knew her father. The me that used to pray for him to come get me or make a way for me to join him in heaven. The me that knew I had to go to college as early as 2nd grade so I could get out of the abuse I lived through everyday!! The me that through all the abuse I lived through went to college on a full scholarship thanks to a guidance counselor who saw me and believed in me even though she had no idea what I was living through. The me that lost my scholarship in college and had to figure out how I was going to graduate. The me that still graduated on time, with a new scholarship AND cum laude. The me that was the first in my family to earn a bachelor’s degree. The me that picked up and moved to Tampa by myself and almost had to kill someone because I wasn’t safe. The me that finally started making enough money that I didn’t have to rely on food stamps. The me that started teaching with NO experience, and NO IDEA what I was doing.
(Insert apology here to my first few years of students. I love y’all so much. Y’all really let me practice on you. Thank y’all for loving me and giving me grace).
The me that was in an abusive relationship for YEARS!!! The me that lost herself and couldn’t see why I should continue living. The me that even though I was in that relationship found the strength and mental capacity to earn a master’s degree in education with a 4.0! The me that finally was strong enough to leave that relationship and realize I was so fortunate to make it out with my life because he definitely wouldn’t have had it that way if he could have done anything about it. The me that bought a house before 30, the way I had always hoped for. The me that sold that same house because I knew God wanted me to do something else, but I didn’t understand. The me that left the security of a job that I was STELLAR at only to get FIRED 1 week later because I spoke the truth. The me that was so depressed after losing my job for doing the right thing and Jack dying that I didn’t go outside for almost a month. The me that again decided to pick up my life to move north with no idea or understanding where that would lead. The me that got a position to advocate for children across the commonwealth of Pennsylvania on behalf of the Pennsylvania Department of Education and increase my income almost $40,000. The me that picked up her life again to move to yet another city and state that I had never been to knowing that God had told me to do it. The me that started that work with the purest heart and best intentions but was instead painted out to be someone I am not, because again I was holding people accountable to what is right for kids. The me that found myself so depressed because of the overt and covert racism I was experiencing at the hands of people who were committed to making sure Black and Brown children failed that I couldn’t even see a way out. The me that literally thought I was going to lose my mind and had to call the crisis hotline. The me that had to take medicine in order to see any way out. The me that had 3 therapists because so much was going on. The me that decided I was going to leave that job and trust that God was going to take care of his children and me. The me that wound up being laid off from that job before I could quit so I was able to collect some additional money through unemployment. The same me that is now working with some of those same schools who had faith in me and could see that I was indeed good enough and are willing to pay me what I am worth. This me that now gets to laugh at my enemies as God makes them my footstool and they have to continue to hear my name and see my face while I get to be BLACK & FREE!!!
The me that God is using to make an INTERNATIONAL impact.
Are y'all reading this???? AN INTERNATIONAL IMPACT!!!!
I FUCKING LIVE IN MEXICO!!!
I have the ability to go anywhere in the world that the wind blows!!!
I USED TO NOT BE ABLE TO PAY MY BILLS!!!
I ALMOST LOST MY HOUSE!!!
That man tried to break me!!!
My mother tried to destroy my spirit when I didn’t line up with whatever her mind told her.
THIS ME!!!
I can’t help but to think how my Fathers (biological and Heavenly) are up in heaven looking down on me and smiling and saying,
“My baby girl made it through!”
I MADE IT THROUGH!! I MADE IT!!! There were so many times that I didn’t think I’d make it. I didn’t want to make it. But God kept me. So many people have tried to murder my spirit.
BUT I MADE IT!!!!
I AM WHOLE!!
I AM HAPPY!!
I HAVE PEACE THAT I CAN’T EVEN EXPLAIN!!
I HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!!
I AM THRIVING!!!!!
It hit me today ya’ll. It hit me just now as I’ve sat down to write this as my feet are planted in Mexico City, Mexico!!!I MADE IT Y’ALL. I MADE IT!!
And YOU CAN TOO!
~Kimberland
“Minding My Black Ass Business”
